i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
