trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
