Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
