I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
