The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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