are you still at the devil's house?
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
