I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
