why do cheetos always look like penises
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
