how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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