I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
