I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
