So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
