im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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