I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
