I smell stomach acid.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
