My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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