Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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