I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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