Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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