I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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