If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
