i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
