Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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