If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Who died my cat blue again?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
