I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
