I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
