If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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