The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
