I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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