R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i love accidental penises.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
