Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
