when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
