Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
