She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
