A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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