i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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