all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
