Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he shaved USA in his pubs
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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