I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
