i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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