It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
