I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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