also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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