Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
