T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
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In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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