Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
