im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
