i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
