everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
