You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
