Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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