my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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