I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
