I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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