Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
