I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
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Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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