i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she told me i tasted like america
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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