i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
